If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
