If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.