Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Otters see a butterfly.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME