If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.