If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
It’s an epidemic…
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
#SCOTUS one-star review
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My work here is done
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no