Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

need him

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.