If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty