Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.