Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Thoughts

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

i’m sure it’s fine

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN