Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

They did not think through this water fountain

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.