@junejuly12

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

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@Rollinintheseat

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@seamussaid

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

@_MustBeArkaydia

Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

@mijamtweets

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

@weinerdog4life

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

@Darchstar007

Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…

@AbbieEvansXO

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

@Steve_hamiltin

We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played