“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played