If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
181.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste