If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
You Might Also Like
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
when someone compliments me
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.