“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT