“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.