“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*