Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”