Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

🥴

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

Merica.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.