If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
wow he looks just like him
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
A male goth is called a broth.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.