Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

this came to me in a vision

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.