Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

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jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread