If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Weirdos gonna weird.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.