If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I don’t get marriage
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots