If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no