If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11