Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??