what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“I wouldn’t.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what