Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”