Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.