Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix and you sit over there.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

😂😭

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

same bro

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.