IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill