If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.