Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

I used the label maker

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

ACED my prostate exam!

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog