If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?