If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I found your tweet-up…
Velcrow
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.