If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.