If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
definitely did not do anything wrong
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.