If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.