Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

Perfection.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.