If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
You Might Also Like
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.