If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army