@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

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@BuckyIsotope

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

@DionneMcNutt

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@lovemydogduck

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

@Pro_Jones_

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

@SCOOPISMS

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

@RedheadChaos

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

@ricsem

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

@eddiesteadyno

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?