If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.