@KyleMcDowell86: *police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume* "HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN" *throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

@ArfMeasures: Me: I really can't stay Him: Baby it's cold outside Me: I've got to go away Him: Baby it's cold outside Me: Just let me go! Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

@Drstevenhobbs: My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

@Boba_Photo: $1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I've been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.

@Adyaces: Doc: You need to lose some weight. Me: How? Dr: Don't eat anything fatty. Me: Like pies and chips? Dr: No. Don't eat anything, fatty.