If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Just a friendly reminder!
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Nothing.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married