PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
B: Is that a sticky note?