If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.