“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,