Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.