Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

Spotted in New Orleans.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

how many bears make up a bear minimum

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Children of the corn 🌽

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.