If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Yes my dude
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Why am I like this?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.