If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.