If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
anyone else like Italian cereal
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.