Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

We decided to have money instead of children.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls