Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Lunatics are gonna loon.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.