If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
who will stop them
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one