Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

back to work

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners