If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
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Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.