If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
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Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I’m having an out of money experience.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.