Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Aight bet

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.