Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.