“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant