“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that