Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

Me My dog

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Going to church you guys need anything

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

No one suddenly needs anything more than a kid whose mom has just sat down and gotten comfortable.