Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’