“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
OH. COME. ON.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Good morning, Twitter x
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
moms in horror movies
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
#growingpains
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize