If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
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In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Selfie
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything