Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

I saw this ending much differently.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

Duck typos.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*