Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

Sing it!

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

AM I BEING GASLIT????

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

first you must answer his riddles

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need