Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!