Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.