Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.