If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
You Might Also Like
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.