If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted