If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
You Might Also Like
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.