if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.