if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
You Might Also Like
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Printer ink is expensive
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.