if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Do not levitate over flowers
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Thursday Thought.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *