If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!