Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

is it too early for christmas memes

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

Just how popey was the pope today?

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you