If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
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Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
2023 was just a warmup
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.