Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Ghost costume 😂

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it