If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Boating season is upon us.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
sir, my pâté if you please
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.