If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
You Might Also Like
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.