If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.