“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
(Electricians.)
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.